Tag Archives: why?

To Narcissistic Mothers

From a daughter.

Why try? Nothing is ever good enough. That’s why I said whatever I thought, because you didn’t listen. It didn’t matter, I always had to apologize, even if I was right.

“Why do you argue with people who aren’t capable of thinking rationally?” my best friend asked, and it dawned on me why. Because I used to do it every day. It’s just a habit I never got rid of. A piece of baggage I still carry. No one stuck up for me then with you, no one does now. Because you’re still always right.

Did you ever think that you may still be ill because you think you know more than the “doctors” you see? You don’t see them long enough, because as soon as they say something you don’t like or disagree with, you switch to someone else. You need to see a rheumatologist, not all these other people. They’re fine to go along with traditional Western medicine, but they don’t seem to be working too well on their own.

But I’m “too sick” to know how sick you are. And your illness has become like a pregnancy; “since we’ve been sick,” dad says now. What will the product of this be? An enlightenment of sorts?

Why now, when I’m down and ill myself, tell me what a difficult child I was, colicky and hard to deal with. Because I said we had a narcissistic family structure? Why now, when I was pushed from all sides to have children, tell me you really support my decision not to have them? Twenty odd years later? I’m “too sick” to be a good parent? I stuck to my decision myself because I didn’t want to pass on any mental illness. It was a good decision, and I did it without any encouragement from you then, I don’t need your praise for it now when it sounds like a backward compliment.

I am still looking for my mother, and now you’re swallowing my father too. We are getting over the flu, we have been tired, we have just been so busy, busy. We fill up our time with DVDs. How are the Roosevelts these days? We are one unit now. I can still have good conversations with dad unless we talk about anything medical. Which is everything, just about. A life consumed by illness.

Is this all because one doctor told you it was in your head? Get over yourself. Thousands of women have heard that, from more than one doctor. Yet they persevere until they find an answer. I try to fill out a medical history form and I don’t know truth from self-diagnosis. Your flights of fancy about what you cannot possibly know are possibly killing you. You know nothing about what your insides look like, just what your imagination tells you. But you don’t listen, because I don’t say what you want to hear, and I’m tired of apologizing. I live under death now from someone who made the decisions you have been making. Thinking you know more than the doctors. That you have the right to do what you will with your own body, which is true. But it effects more than just you.

And I know it’s hard, to feel crappy and tired and achy, and to not know how you’ll feel from one day to the next. But I’m not too sick to keep from trying to see the right doctors to try to fix the problem. Or problems.

The thing is, I know it’s not your fault. I know it has to do with your upbringing. But your hatred is so strong, and there are so many unresolved issues that you have, I don’t know how you’ll work them out. But that’s for you to figure out, not me. I have my own issues to work on, to recover from. Ones you were too sick to notice were happening, or to understand truly when I talked about them. So I don’t talk about them, because there’s no point.

The thing is, I don’t know that we will be friends, that I will be able to talk to you about things. Because you haven’t been there. Your personality changes. You’re lucid, then you’re not. You’re not rational. You can’t be reasoned with. I don’t know why. No one is ever good enough, really. But there’s nothing I can do about that. That’s your issue, or issues. I see someone else’s life being ripped up by a narcissistic mother, only she’s strong enough to stand up for herself and fight back, and her mother isn’t passive aggressive the way you were. It doesn’t just all wash away, water under the bridge, forgotten. There are scars, behaviors, adaptations of behaviors that I’ve done for years without knowing why.

I write this out of frustration for the other daughter whose narcissistic mother makes her cry every time she’s with us, and I ache with the inability to do anything for her except listen, because the pain is too raw for her to offer advice. But she’s leaps and bounds ahead, because she wants a therapist now, and knows what the problems are. But I hate that she says the same things I still do thirty years later, that they’re already ingrained, how easily the damage is done and how hard it is to repair.

Women already have strikes against them in society, how to look, how to behave, asshole misogynists who think it isn’t rape if you have sex with your unconscious wife, standards of unattainable beauty, men who want to control your body with religion. Why does it have to be this way with our mothers?

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The World Interpreted through Alice in Wonderland

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Consulting the Oracle

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First Meeting

Many Don’t Arrive

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A Meeting is Held

Alice is voted unanimously as Ambassador

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Waiting to meet the Red Queen

(With trepidation )

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A productive discussion did not seem in the cards

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And, in fact, became quite hostile.

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Things on the home front were not much better.

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With a heavy heart, Alice helped prepare her friends for battle with what little she could find.

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Alice listened to the Mock Turtle’s prophecies of the outcome of the war.

    4E9FC6FE-AC4F-4C99-AF28-2985270D3379.png Is the Mock Turtle going to be right?

Mr. Putin, speaker with two faces?

Mr. Netenyahu, regretful of civilian deaths?

 

Who will take responsibility for their actions?

Who will pretend to paint the roses red with the blood of the fallen?

 

Why Does No One Tell Israel No?

"Why?" Anne Frank

“Why?”
Anne Frank

Don’t get me wrong, I am not anti-Semitic. Neither am I pro-Genocide. But as the body count rises steadily in Gaza, whole families wiped out with one missile, I wonder if I aided and abetted, if any of my tax dollars went into the manufacture of the arms we’ve sold to Israel over the years. Did I pay a penny or two? A finger or an arm? A whole life? What is that worth these days, or does that depend on what country you live in and who you’re killed by? Does anyone ever stop to think of that? How many people are killed by American made weapons? Strangely, it hadn’t occurred to me until I was asking my boyfriend in tears why no one is telling Israel to stop this genocide of the Palestinians, why does everyone tip-toe around them? I think it was because it has all been such a fuzzy mess to me, the whole war over there in the Middle East (not to mention the other ones) I suddenly realized, “Wait a minute, but they’re Jewish, why are they trying to kill off a different group of people?”

If I have my math about right, World War II ended roughly, in the European Theatre, sixty five to seventy years ago, and resulted in the deaths of approximately 6 million Jews–roughly 2/3 the Jewish population of Europe. And there are people that deny the Holocaust ever existed. How, I have no idea. But that’s not what this is about. This is about a country and people who are using their religion the same way their religion was used against them, and seem to have no problem with it. A country no one questions. A country young men leave America go to be “lone wolf fighters” for on the side of Israel to honor their ancestry. That was what started me on this rant tonight, a quote from one of the “lone wolf fighters.” I don’t mean any disrespect to anyone, I just really don’t understand. How could one group of people who have suffered so much at the hands of another turn around and do it to other people? How? The UN is finally speaking out, but it’s not enough.

I think Anne Frank would be wondering the same thing if she had survived Auschwitz and was still alive now. I read her diary at the same age she wrote it. In many ways she and I were the same. In many ways I thought she was much wiser than I was. One girl in my class couldn’t read it because it gave her nightmares. I have always thought it so tragic that Anne Frank died so close to the end of the war, days within their camp being liberated. Again, why?

I thought once I could change the world. That was when I was naive and didn’t realize the gargantuan web the troubles of the world were contained within, the threads snarled and tangled beyond comprehension into some facsimile of a Gordian knot. How there are bullies in the world just like bullies in school, and how everyone tip-toes around them as well. Only the stakes are higher and dead is “for reals.” All those children killed will never grow up, never fall in love, never have families, never contribute to the world. One of them, several of them, could have had an answer to some of the world’s pressing problems. One of them could have saved all of us. But we’ll never know now. Because they’re dead. For reals.

I considered abandoning this post, but then there was a breaking news flash that an Israeli missile had hit a UN run school also being used as a shelter. That brings the total, according to BBC News, to 750 Palestinian deaths and 33 Israeli deaths. And just to reiterate, it was a UN facility.

Enough is enough, Mr. Netenyahu. Does “regretting the civilian deaths” but blaming the Hamas help you sleep better at night? I don’t support extremists of any kind. But I support the Palestinians right to live.

There are some truths I believe in:

Germany today is not responsible for killing the Jews in concentration camps. People need to let that go. Forgiveness is the path to healing.

America today is not responsible for what happened with Native Americans or Slaves. I’m very, very sorry it happened, but I didn’t do it. I hope I’m more enlightened than those who did. I try to help advocate for those who need help advocating from themselves. I try to realize when the person who needs help being advocated for is me. I know how hard that is.

And there are some things (well, many things) I question:

Why are there Neo-Nazi groups popping up? Do you realize what you’re emulating is Facism at its most horrible, the perpetrators of the worst Holocaust in modern history, the worst qualities of human beings as a whole, and you think that’s “cool?” Wow. I can’t even name how many ways that’s so messed up.

Why are people letting religion take over Congress? Once upon a time, and I believe it still does, our Constitution separated the two, for very good reason. Religion and politics shouldn’t mix. Religion messes things up. There are too many religions, too many “chosen” people, too many “our God says,” just too many.

Are we ever going to learn from history, from our mistakes? Anne Frank hoped so. She was a very smart young woman, very thoughtful. Her diary did change the world. She had hopes and dreams, just like the young Palestinian teens her age who have been killed. Because at heart we’re all the same.

Anne Frank Picture

 

 

Diary 2

Diary

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

pictureI live in a crazy time

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mila d'Opiz Australiz

Mila d’Opiz Australiz

 

 

 

happy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Peterlove

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

who has inflicted this upon us?monsters

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

annefrank

 

 

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Anne Frank improve world

 

 

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