Tag Archives: pride

I’m Not “Doing it Right” ; The Price of Hubris

A respected (by me, at least) site on Facebook had a guest blogger write a post on how, in the wake of the media furor I confess I haven’t watched, allies are, in their ignorance of transgender issues, creating more of a problem than helping.

A very nice way to phrase it, I thought, while insulting allies in the process. Well done.

It should be pretty obvious how I feel about the LGBT community after all my posts on the subject. I’m not even going to say anything about that. But I would like to say a few things.

Being a woman in many countries in the world isn’t a cakewalk either. We happen to be born that way too. Get over it. In many of the same countries now receiving attention for their treatment of gay couples, it has been absolutely fine to drag a woman out of her house, rape her, and set her on fire, or however else her husband wants to kill her. Legally. It could have just been because she looked at him wrong. She looked at another man. She spilled something. That’s been going on for centuries–longer. It’s so commonplace it doesn’t even make the news.

I already wrote about what’s happening in this country with women’s rights. I thought I had written everything I had to say in my last post. I guess I hadn’t. I wasn’t being told I was doing things wrong at that point. Or, at least, I hadn’t read the post.

This isn’t meant to be hateful–I am truly angry. I am angry at the self-righteousness of some people in the LGBT community who seem to feel they are better than everyone else. I had a conversation, online, about this once with someone who may or may not have been real (long story, but he was representing himself as a gay man). I said, “Don’t you think pride might get in the way a little bit when it comes to equality? Which is more important? It’s not like you have to demean yourself, just don’t put everyone else beneath you, because that isn’t equality at all.” He just said he was better than everyone else. Better than those of us (me) who practiced abnormal sex and didn’t understand anything. Okaaaay.

Now, given that he was someone who may or may not exist, I’ll take that with a few cups of salt. I see nothing wrong with having a sense of pride in community, and I think that there is a distinct gay community that I certainly wouldn’t want to see destroyed. A man commented recently on Facebook how he thought the “g” on gay should be capitalized (I’m assuming the same would go for the “l” in lesbian, etc.) because it was a community. I thought about that, and before I could reply with what I was thinking, someone else did (all the replies up to that point had been negative). The man who replied commented that it would be sort of akin to how the Deaf community capitalizes the “D.” The people who consider themselves part of their distinct culture capitalize it. The ones who don’t, simply don’t capitalize deaf. There’s division there as well.

The problem occurs when a community starts to act superior. I think the slogan, “Born this way,” is awesome. It states a fact and leaves no room for argument. On the other hand, “Get Over It,” in my mind, takes a completely different tack which I find offensive. Think about all the other contexts that has been used in, even if unspoken. So you’ve been raped. Get over it. Your husband beats you. Get over it. Your husband left you for a younger woman. Get over it. Your wife left you for another woman. Get over it. Is this starting to make sense? As a society, this country isn’t very sympathetic or empathetic. I really don’t know how “Get over it” is supposed to be taken. But that’s the way I see it, and if I see it that way, and am of the mind it doesn’t matter a whit who people love, have relationships with, or marry, then how do people who don’t feel that way see it? I don’t think it makes them feel any more kindly toward the LGBT community. I think it’s going to alienate them further. The people who will think it’s the most clever are the people in the community themselves, in my opinion. It doesn’t matter which well-respected actor you have wearing the shirt proclaiming the slogan. I love the actor, really don’t like the shirt.

I’m also not a religious person, as people who are familiar with me know. But there’s a reason there’s the statement, “Pride cometh before a fall.” Hubris is one of the nastiest characteristics a person can have, I think. Who truly wants to spend any length of time in a room with someone radiating that emotion?

The other thing that I dislike is being accused of being an ignorant ally for the Trans* population when I have a few questions about that myself. Some of this is guessing and trying to fit pieces together, and some is from things I have read from blogs of people I trust. I’m not repeating those, I’m explaining how I’ve come to this question. I would like to know, truly, if the LGBT community is as split as I have heard. That if you are gay or lesbian, you tend to be toward the top of the group, if you’re Trans* you tend to fall more in the middle and are possibly  sometimes looked down on along with those who are bi–I know at least in literature and possibly real life people who identify as bi are vilified at times for being the “cheaters” and the ones you can’t trust because they “haven’t made their mind up?” Well, I think they have made their mind up; they are sexually oriented toward men and women. I also think they are capable of being in a monogamous, faithful relationship with a person of either sex during the time they are with that person. Why is that so hard to understand? I think it’s all a matter of personality. I’m sure there are as many gay or lesbian jerks as bi jerks, people who are bi might just make easier targets. And, as I didn’t point out very well, there are not so nice people everywhere. That’s part of equality too. No one has the corner on the market for being a jerk. It’s an equal opportunity occupation.

From what I’ve noticed, and I’m going into a bit of a news hibernation state from overload–it seems there is so much hatred aimed at the Trans* community right now, especially the youth. It makes me so…gods, sad. I don’t have the exact details in front of me right now. I hadn’t heard about the eleven year-0ld boy who tried to kill himself because of being bullied because he liked My Little Pony, and who is in a coma and may have sustained severe brain damage. I had never heard of bronys–there is a whole, huge world of which I am completely oblivious. (Returning to the gay community, then there was the high school senior who came out on Facebook and started to receive the oh-so-brave anonymous death threats, and then the 8th grader who came out and had his driveway graffitied.) The confusion and frustration of being born in a body you know you don’t belong in, one older Trans* woman told me, transitioning from male to female, was almost intolerable at times. And she’d been going through the process for, I think she said, nearly thirteen years because she didn’t have a lot of money and it was an expensive process, so she could only do it a bit at a time. She hated being in a body that was the wrong one.

And the thought that I keep having, after reading about those three boys, and thinking about a boy who killed himself a school-district not too far away from here who wrote two or three times in his suicide note, “It wasn’t bullies,” so the police ruled out bullies. Hello? If the kid’s written three times it wasn’t bullies, I’m guessing it probably was? Or maybe that’s just my overactive imagination. I really like the “it gets better” concept, and I think the support it has gotten, all the people who have made videos–it’s all just amazing. Gods, I even use it for myself sometimes when things really get screwed up. A while ago I read someone’s blog who was bullied all through school, then at work, once she went through college (which was okay) and started this particular job, one woman made her life a living hell. You think these things stop, that grown ups don’t do those sorts of things. Unfortunately, I identify with her, although my situation wasn’t nearly as bad. There are adult bullies. That wasn’t quite the point, but I started thinking about these three, well, four boys, and it’s so hard to tell them, “It will get better,” because I’m starting to wonder on some days. I try to stay positive, still tell them that. It really does get better.

I’m starting to think there should be other options, though. That maybe fighting the bullies in schools isn’t working. It didn’t work for that little eleven year old. Surely someone noticed what was happening, yet no one did anything about it. I’m sure that’s the case in much of what happens in these bullying cases. And are these kids really learning not to be bullies, or how to be better bullies? I’ve started to think, give the kids who are being a bullied a choice; give them somewhere else to go, another school with other victims of kids who have been bullied. What would happen? Would they finally get to be themselves? Would they make friends with the same interests? “But will it prepare them for the real world?” I can see administrators asking. Right. That’s what the bullies are doing, preparing them for the real world, because the kids they bully are different and they’re going to have to deal with bullying for the rest of their lives. My answer to those administrators? “It will keep them alive to give them a chance to face the “real” world, which this certainly isn’t. Because you’re failing in your job here.” There will always be bullies, but it’s a little different when you’re not stuck in the same physical space with them. Then, life really will get better.

Having a choice isn’t cowardice. If our kids are old enough to kill themselves because they can’t get out of a situation they are forced by law to be in, then we owe them a legal alternative of a safer place to be. That’s equality. That’s justice. They deserve the right to go to school unafraid, and that’s diversity, unity, love, and equality, for children who are LGBT, a little different, for kids who just don’t fit in. It doesn’t have to get better. It can be better now. Until school administrators take bullying as seriously as the parents sitting by the bedside of their little boy, Michael, waiting for him to wake up, if he wakes up, to see how much of him is still there (be stubborn, little one–your brain is a miracle in itself), children deserve better.

Michael Morones Mashable.com

Michael Morones
Mashable.com

Michael Morones Currently in Critical Condition Pink News: Europe's Largest Gay News Service February 5, 2014

Michael Morones
Currently in Critical Condition
Pink News: Europe’s Largest Gay News Service
February 5, 2014

And so do allies. This one is taking a break for a while. I don’t need to feel appreciated. I don’t need to feel cared about. I also don’t need to be called ignorant.

Freedom Justice Equality  diaverde08-AmericanKilljoy

Freedom Justice Equality
diaverde08-AmericanKilljoy

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What’s the Gov Got to Do With It?

Once upon a time, the GOP found thisclinton so heinous, so horrific, they wanted to impeach the president over it. No families were forced to empty their bank accounts to pay for food and childcare and other daily necessities, hundreds of thousands of workers weren’t effected. America pretty much amused the rest of the world.

Yet now, where are the GOP’s ethics and morals at this?

Screen Shot 2013-10-06 at 3.15.09 PMYes, I will concede the headlines are colorful and attention grabbing. As well they should be. Some other news sources are acting as though it is not the GOP that is holding this up (and I can’t forget to give credit where credit is due, the Tea-Party has their share of blame in this as well–see below for that).

I wonder if the GOP and the Tea Party understand the ramifications of what they’ve done.

Democracy as we have known it in this country–will it still exist? Did the GOP intend to destroy that on their way to destroying the most hideous of bills, one that supports health care for all Americans. See, they don’t know what it’s like to not have health care. To have to worry about pre-existing, life-threatening conditions that you know you’ll get turned down for by an insurance company for coverage because “they don’t take people with pre-existing conditions.” Medicine, along with politics, is another area in the country that could use some reform. It’s disgusting that a country like ours doesn’t have health care for everyone, regardless of income, full or  part-time status…  Health seems to be a pretty inalienable right as well. President Obama has the right idea, and it’s something that should have been done years and years ago. There’s another section of the Huffington Post devoted to people writing in about how “Obamacare” has saved their lives because they were unable to get the healthcare they needed.

This is what the GOP wants to tear the country apart over? Keeping people healthy? It doesn’t concern them, why should they care? It just concerns their constituents. Oh, right, them… The GOP keeps forgetting the little people that put them into office. I support the Congressional Representative from my district, the 4th, in Oregon, whole-heartedly. He’s a good man. He listens to the people who put him into office, and I follow his voting record. He does what the people want. He thinks. I still emailed his no doubt overflowing office and said I didn’t think they should be getting paid during the shutdown. I think I should also mention that quite a few members of the Republican party, over 20 at last count, have abandoned the jackelope and said they will vote on a clean bill–they just want to get the country moving again. Huzzah on brains that still work.

I don’t think I need to go on and on. The above headlines say a lot. Check out the Huffington Post if you want to read the whole articles. They also have a “Good News” section you can go read after being inundated with all the bad news. I think that’s an awesome idea, and something the news in general forgets–while there are many bad things, things you don’t even want to think about, happening around us, there are still shining spotlights of humanity that break through the haze and show us that average, everyday, people you walk by on the street can be inspiring beacons of hope, and reminders that it doesn’t take a person in a special suit to be a hero. And that it doesn’t even always need to be a person.

A “Tea-Party”

teaparty1

I’m sure there are people coming to fill the empty places.

This is where my lack of keeping up completely with political news (I did at the time of the elections, especially where Sarah Palin was involved, because she’s stark raving mad). I know they hate The Affordable Health Care Act as well.

I’m not entirely sure why anyone hates this. Do they not see how ridiculous it is, when compared with other nations of our “league” (sorry to anyone who takes offense), we look like Victorian England when it comes to health care? In fact, maybe the Tea Party could pick up some pointers from the 19th century. We could institute poorhouses for all the students who have defaulted on their student debts as they’ve been unable to find the jobs they were told waited when they finished their degrees. What would be profitable for the government? They could have a business where undergrad students who hadn’t written their papers yet for particular classes could put in a request a it would be assigned to one of the over-educated but unemployable inhabitants of the poorhouse. That’s too unpleasant a name, though. How about the “Dickens’ Home for Overachieving Underperformers?” They could possibly also house a Think Tank consisting of MBAs, accountants, actuaries (is that the same thing? I like the word) for when time to work on the budget rolls ’round every year–let these people work on it along with congress. Students are used to deadlines. Their GPAs are important to them. They’ll get it done on time. That reminds me of something I wanted to do at the end of the post. Thank me for reminding me. It so rarely happens I have to thank myself in the hopes it happens more often. And less than three days later, because by then it’s considerably too late. There are endless possibilities here.

There are endless jokes as well. Enough said.

There seems to be some confusion about what is closed and what isn’t, as what is closed in each state varies widely. The Tea Party made the grand statement that only a small percentage of the government was shut down. Well, here’s the list of each agency’s shutdown policy (hopefully the links still work

Agency-by-agency shutdown guidance

Monday – 9/30/2013, 1:13pm EDT

The Office of Management and Budget requested agencies provide details about their plans in the event of a government shutdown. Below are links to each agency’s shutdown guidance.

    • Department of Agriculture
        • Office of the Secretary PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Agricultural Marketing Service PDF (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Departmental Management PDF (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Farm Service Agency PDF (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Food, Nutrition, and Consumer Services PDF (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Food Safety and Inspection Services PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • U.S. Forest Service PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Grain Inspection, Packers and Stockyards Administration PDF (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • National Appeals Division PDF (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Natural Resources Conservation Service PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Office of the Assistant Secretary for Civil Rights PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Office of Budget and Program Analysis PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Office of the Chief Economist PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Office of the Chief Financial Officer PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Office of Communications PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Office of Ethics | PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Office of the General Counsel PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Office of Inspector General PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Research, Education and Economics PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Risk Management Agency PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
      • Rural Development PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
    • Department of Interior
        • Departmental PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Assistant Secretary for Indian Affairs PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Bureau of Indian Affairs PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Bureau of Indian Education PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Bureau of Land Management PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Bureau of Safety and Environmental Enforcement PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Bureau of Reclamation PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Fish and Wildlife Service PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • National Park Service PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Office of the Inspector General PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Office of Insular Affairs PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Office of the Secretary PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Office of the Solicitor PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Office of the Special Trustee | PDF (September 27, 2013)
        • Office of Surface Mining PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Policy Management and Budget PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
      • U.S. Geological Survey PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
    • Department of Treasury — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Departmental Offices PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Bureau of Fiscal Service PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • The Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Financial Crimes Enforcement Network PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Internal Revenue Service PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Special Inspector General, Troubled Asset Relief Program PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
        • Treasury Inspector General for Tax Administration PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)
      • Office of Inspector General PDF — (Sept. 27, 2013)

jackalope copy.jpg.2013_10_05_21_49_23.0Sometimes the information gleaned from the pages says nothing more than the site is shut down. Others, like the Department for Health and Human Services, have to keep some things in order because they are in charge of so many services and programs so many people use. Even their pages aren’t all that helpful. I would definitely call first. If you happen to be a parent of a child with a disability in one of the Head Start programs that is shut down and don’t have childcare, see if there are any organizations (of course the parents always have this stuff figured out the best) for individuals/children with disabilities who can help you. Also for Head Start parents, as I read one article about concerns about food in one family–check out your local food banks and see what they can do. While the Federal government is shut down, it doesn’t mean your local one is, and organizations like food banks are typically volunteer operated.

You may also be able to find community information at your library. If there is no help from what is open and you really are struggling with rent, you might want to check at a shelter–they don’t want you homeless any more than you want to be, they might have resources as well.

I’m just trying to piece together what I know from what friends have done in the past, just so no one regales me with “what nonsense are you trying to pawn off here?” That was when the government was as functional as it gets. I do know the frustration–I opened the envelope when I received it months ago for my beginning COBRA information, which I needed but had been dreading at the same time, knowing it was going to be an outrageous amount. There was a flyer stuck inside, though, that said something along the lines of, “Can’t afford your payments? We might be able to help” and it gave a web address. I went there, feeling a little more cheerful, only to find a sentence reading: Due to budgetary cutbacks, this program has been discontinued. This shutdown has affected so many things across the board that we don’t even think about–the CDC, food safety under the Dept. of Agriculture, the FDIC, HUD, National Council on Disabilities–the Peace Corps. I don’t know what did happen, but I read in their plan (my parents were volunteers ages ago so I was curious) that in the event of a shutdown they would all have to be evacuated and returned back to the address given in their application packets. At roughly a cost of $3,500 a volunteer. I remember it was a fairly tumultuous time when my parents were in Peace Corps in Costa Rica, and volunteers during that time in Central and South America from both Nicaragua and Chile were evacuated. I don’t know if they were just moved somewhere else or brought back to the US. I didn’t really pay attention. I was probably 11 and I didn’t really understand at the time what was going on, other than volunteers in Costa Rica were moved further from the Nicaraguan border because it was unsafe. I knew some of those people, so that made more sense to me.

Another thing I noticed while going through the names of the departments, given the pressure President Obama is giving the Redskins to change their name, is that it may be time to update the names of a few departments as well. The Bureau of Indian Affairs, perhaps? The Bureau of Indian Education? That’s a bit of an oxymoron, considering it should really be, after all the education we’ve been giving on not just political correctness but for acknowledging people as they would prefer to be known, as the Bureau of Native American Education. Personally, I like the way the Canadians have worked out the whole situation, with the Native Canadians being called the First Nations, comprising all those tribes/people not related to the Inuit or the Métis. Yes, I did have to Wiki that because I didn’t remember it entirely. I’ve only been to Canada once, so please cut me a little slack, here. Interestingly, according to the same source, the Canadians first interactions with the native peoples in Canada were not nearly as combative (although it did happen) as those in the US, which allowed the First Nations and other tribes’ cultures to be assimilated more into the growth of the country. Now, I consider myself ethnocentric now that I’m older, because when I was a child living on the Navajo Reservation, which is a large reservation, I thought the only Native Americans that existed were the Navajo, the Hopi, the Pueblo, the Utes, and the Paiutes. That was it. In a way, it was strangely appropriate. For anyone who has ever watched a John Wayne movie that takes place anywhere looking something like this:

monument-valley-utah_29853_600x450

Monument_Valley_06

Monument Valley 1

I realize that the top and bottom one are practically the same other than the snow. The two formations on the far left and the middle are known as “The Mittens.” All of the formations have names, I just don’t remember all of them. The one on the right might be “Train Rock,” but I’m truly not sure. The one in the middle of the above photo has something to do with a chief, I’m fairly sure. I took all this for granted because I grew up with it. Monument Valley, home to I don’t know how many Westerns and car commercials. Nothing like having an SUV airlifted in and dropped on top of a mesa to show how tough it is. Where I lived was just past Monument Valley. Now there’s a high school along the way, but the Oljato Trading Post, where I spent many hours, is now closed. When I lived there, it was a working Trading Post. Then it was a tourist attraction, selling rugs and jewelry and baskets, as it had always done, then it closed completely. It was a huge part of my childhood. We would “trading post sit” and I remember spending hours in either the store after it was closed reading Tales From the Crypt comic books behind the counter, or sitting in the rug room surrounded by beautiful baskets, jewelry, rugs–literally piles of rugs, and a loom set up to show tourists what they looked like, settled into a comfy chair reading Fate Magazine. I think back on how unusual that was, and how I took it completely for granted, because that’s what children do.

But one of the many great lies of the Westerns is that the Apache, the Cherokee, the Sioux, whoever was the great evil enemy of the day, if the movie was filmed in Monument Valley, it was far more likely they were Navajo.

I spend four more years in Chinle, Arizona (Monument Valley is in southern Utah). Chinle is right next to Canyon de Chelly, which has an unsettling history of its own, but many say is more beautiful than the Grand Canyon, it’s just the Grand Canyon is bigger so it gets all the attention. I found a photograph, quite unexpected, by Ansel Adams. It’s not of a huge sweeping vista (I am impressed with their amazing quality and technical detail, but for some reason have never really liked him as a photographer, until I found this photograph).

Navajo_Girl,_1941

It was taken in 1941 in, as the photograph is labeled, Canyon de Chelle.

For this photograph, the National Archives and Records Administration request to be listed as the original source.

http://www.archives.gov/research/ansel-adams/

She’s standing in the doorway of a hogan, a traditional Navajo home. She’s not old enough yet to have all the silver jewelry she’ll have when she’s older, although it does look like the buttons on her collar are silver. The necklace looks like it’s made of shell beads, just guessing.

How did I get on this topic? Oh, right. The Bureau of Indian Affairs. And changing names of sports teams. To Westerns.

Do you think John Boehner watched a lot of these growing up? I realized he is emulating, to a degree, someone who isn’t a very good role model, someone whose pride literally led to his fall.

“You ask me if I will not be glad when the last battle is fought, so far as the country is concerned I, of course, must wish for peace, and will be glad when the war is ended, but if I answer for myself alone, I must say that I shall regret to see the war end.”

George Armstrong Custer

Stonewall Riots

The early hours of June 28th, 2013, mark the 44th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots, which occurred outside the Stonewall Inn on Christopher Street in Central Greenwich Village, New York City. David Carter calls these “the riots that sparked the gay revolution.” I knew nothing about them until recently. They occurred the year I was born, which makes me very happy that some other good things came out of 1969 and that it can be remembered for other things than Nixon being sworn in as President for the second time. Not an auspicious day to be born on. I could argue I was born in the Philippines and I actually missed that whole debacle entirely, I suppose.

But that’s not the point of this post. These riots were a remarkable step in gay rights. Here’s the Wiki link:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stonewall_riots

If anyone has a better one, or a link they think would add more information, put it in the comments.

I was wondering how I could follow up the news of Lief getting a new heart, then I started to think about what that actualized symbolized. I’m big on symbolism. Basically, because you can examine something, say what you think it interprets, and while people can disagree, they can’t outright tell you it’s wrong. Who is anyone else to tell you what you see in something is wrong, just because they don’t see it?

This is what I was thinking. Someone’s family lost a loved one, someone precious to them who will always be missed, and then allowed his or her heart to be donated so Lief could live and continue on, given everything goes well, with his little ten year old life and all the expectations he had before he was stuck in a hospital bed for five months. That heart is starting over, beating in a new body. Giving Lief new life.

So, on this anniversary that will always be the same age as me, an anniversary for a life changing event for so, so many people, this is what I have decided.

I am going to let the past go, as hard as it is to do, because there is still pain and there are many things left unresolved. At this point, however, I don’t think they will ever be resolved. It is ironic that the person I discussed the Stonewall Riots with the most is one of the entities I am leaving behind. I am done with subterfuge, mind games, sly cunning, psychological mischief, and emotional abuse. Done. I am done with pretenders who take the game too far and continue to reel people in like fish on a hook for their own personal enjoyment. It’s sick and it’s twisted.

The first discussion I had with the person who I ended up talking to about the Stonewall Riots was very big on pride in being gay. I said there was nothing wrong with being proud, but it might cause a distancing effect from other people who didn’t understand, and maybe it was better to try to bridge the gap with understanding so that rights were just as important as pride. We sort of went around on that one for a while. But, for someone who is so proud of being gay, look how you’ve treated the people who supported you. Look back at the situation and tell me you can’t understand why myself and some others reacted the way we did. For myself, I don’t even know you exist other than the occasional postings and lamenting on the board. If you’re reading this, did you read the first half of this paragraph? Did you read the part about pride? You want to complain about people leaving so you can act sad and say, “Last person out shut off the lights.” Is this a self-pity party? Imagine how different things would have been if the three of you had handled things differently. You had an active say in the way the outcome could have been determined. Couldn’t you tell I was trying to help? Did you even give me a chance, listen? No. You both disappeared. For things being “private,” they were awfully quickly dispersed, don’t you think? So if pride in being gay is more important than kindness to fellow humans, if pride is more important than friends, if you hold your pride so close to your heart you don’t let anything else in, then tell me, what is the use of pride? Isolation? Lack of morals? Lack of values? Bad judgement? There are still ways open, it’s your choice to take them or not. Just remember, pride cometh before a fall.

Aren’t you glad that no one came along and deleted Stonewall out of history the way the entity so easily deleted the life out of our group? The winners are supposed to write the history. What if the winners are really the losers? The heart is gone, donated elsewhere, and the group will never be the same. Why don’t you both just leave? Do something more worthwhile? Start a group about something more worthy. Gay rights in literature. You’re both smart, if sometimes similar.

I think I’ve said what I needed to, at least what I’m willing to post to my millions of readers. lol But, you think you’ve figured everything out. You haven’t. I’m a little surprised, actually. I’m a little disgusted at what you’ve left up, yet my posts are offensive? You need to sit down and do some serious self examination, which is what I’ve been doing. That’s why, with this anniversary of Stonewall, I still support the cause it stands for as strongly and wholeheartedly as ever, but you are in my past, a regrettable mistake. It wasn’t until the early hours of June 28th, but you won’t have read this since you don’t speak to me at all. I truly am a non-entity to you, but you do have your pride to wrap yourself in.

One of my online friends, who is not much older but is incredibly wiser, which I think is unfair, and I have discussed this, and I’ve known all along he was right and putting it in the past was the right thing to do, it was just so hard to do. Then I was standing there at the sink, sorting out the dishes–I hate washing dishes and am very OCD about the order in which things need to be washed–thinking about everything, and Lief, and the David Carter book, and the friend I have who’s homeless because her asshole of a boyfriend kicked her out when she started showing some independence and who spent the night with us last night and may be back tonight because there was a mistake and the spot she was given at the shelter was given to someone else before she got there. She’s in severe pain because of her back–she’s going to need to have surgery, it’s so bad, and I thought about how strong she is, and how strong Lief is, and how brave the patrons of the Stonewall Inn were, not even knowing what they were starting or the effects it would have on gay history and gay rights. And I thought, yes, I’m in pain right now, but it will fade, and I have better things to do with my life. I have a new editing job. I have things with voc rehab that need to be done. I need to get my health insurance straightened out. So why am I feeling down about a friendship with someone who could obviously care less if I were breathing or not? Why waste the time? Why bother feeling things for people who make no effort to communicate with you? That’s ridiculous. I might as well try to have a conversation about nebulas with the broom.

It’s time to move on, from immature hurtful people to somewhere else where people are more respectful and kind. I learned an important lesson, and unfortunately it took this to teach it to me. Just because I am who I am online doesn’t mean other people are. I’ve been too gullible. People don’t trust that I am who I am because they aren’t who they are, for the most part. I need to stop trusting people I don’t know so easily, because all that does is make myself vulnerable to people pretending to be something they aren’t. Sometimes it’s something little that doesn’t matter so much. Sometimes it’s something malicious and malevolent. I also have people online now that I trust quite a bit. I don’t know if I could ever develop a persona. Probably not. I was never a good actor, I just need to be more careful.

I’m tired of trying, this post is the end of that trying. I’m stubborn, yes, ornery, yes, but there’s no dealing with lack of conscience or emotion in another person. The fact that I am those two things mean that I have feelings, care about things. So, people got hurt. On both sides. It didn’t have to be a war where someone “wins.” Game of Thrones is fiction. That’s part of the problem, though, isn’t it, fiction vs. reality? But och, even then there’s that pride again. Pesky thing. Even Mr. Darcy wasn’t this bad. I’m proud I’m finally moving on (really, this time, anyone who knows me knows it takes at least a few false starts, or ends, I should probably say, before I actually do manage it).

On to something bigger, better, with no regrets. Everything is a lesson. I don’t believe in coincidence. I believe people meet the people they do at the times they do for a reason, for however long. I wouldn’t have met some of the people whose friendship I value if this hadn’t happened, and that’s my future.

windblown