Tag Archives: medication

Quelquefois (Armadillo)

Sometimes just sounds better that way, when the usual word is worn out.

I write terrible poetry. Be forewarned

That while the world is in a semi-fixed state I am not.

Not predictable like the tides; there are no little flip books to gauge the shifts in my moods.

I don’t know how others see me; I present a front–does it work?

I have few friends, it’s easier that way, to keep up the charade,

Because one thing I hate above all others is being misunderstood;

The fear of rejection, the fear of loss, the fear of holding on too tight.

Yet there are so few who understand, where it’s safe to be myself.

“Just suck it up, get it together, what’s wrong with you, you look perfectly fine.

There’s no reason for you to be so tired, it’s not as if you’re sick or anything like that.

There are people who have it so much worse than you, you should be grateful for what you have.

How long will all this take?

Do your part, get a job, contribute something to the world, to your upkeep, at least.”

If I stopped eating would I feel less guilty?

If I could sustain myself on the air, the same air I breathe to try to stay calm.

My focus, my attention, in altered states from new medications.

To sleep, and yes, to dream–quite vividly–a side effect, it seems.

I do have a sense of humor, a fairly quick wit; that’s not a charade.

My Kafkaesque armadillo to keep me safe.

(I think it would be difficult to get an armadillo into a straight jacket)

Does it work, my front? I don’t know how others see me,

With my invisible disabilities.

Experimental Post / Review from Goodreads / Cross-Posting

All right. If this makes sense to anyone, my blog is connected to my Goodreads page, but I took the Goodreads “latest reads” off my page because it wasn’t working (and I haven’t checked to see if it again). Just sticking something up there for Goodreads makes me feel as if I’m advertising for Amazon, which I may be since I’m not a “premium” member and on my end, I just see little bubbles stuck on my posts that say “an ad may be posted here.” So if anything particularly vile shows up, it wasn’t my idea, and please let me know. It might just spur me to spend, later, the money to go premium when I can afford it. That doesn’t mean to write in with imaginary strange products. I’m a good researcher, I’ll find out. It’s part of my job. Which I should be doing instead of this. But there’s this thing called “distraction” that keeps happening. I thought once I was diagnosed with ADD and went on medication (which spurred an earlier post), the distraction factor would drop considerably, but it hasn’t. What has happened, though, is that my memory is starting to get better again. I used to have a very good memory–could rattle off the whole cast to Danger UXB and other extremely useful things like that–truly, though, before cell phones, people could remember phone numbers (gasp, was it magic?). For years I haven’t been able to remember anything like that. Two-step verification on my computer? I’d have to go back and forth between my phone and whatever I was verifying, or write it down. And that is just six (6) numbers long. I realized yesterday I could just say the number out loud, then put it into the verify box without having to check it, and it was right. That might seem like a minor thing for some people–for me it is a minor miracle.

So, while still distractable and possibly practicing avoidance behaviors, my memory is getting better. And I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So I can feel badly about it. :-/ I can remember a list of things in my head (short) that I need to do, get interrupted, go take care of whatever that is, then come back and continue what I’m doing. So, all in all, I’d have to say I’m still happy with the results, even if they’re not what I expected. I thought my memory was gone. Well, going. I’d also been given the diagnosis of cognitive impairment, which my brain may some day refute.

But, that’s not why I’m here. I’m here because of the Goodreads thing. See, I didn’t forget. I just read a novella. Shorter than a novella–there’s a proper name for them, depending on which publishing company you’re referring to. We’ll just call it a novella. I read it really quickly. I’m behind on how many books I need to read to meet my goal this year–novellas count! They can’t all be Dickens or Tolstoy. That’s special for you, Anil. 🙂

So, I was writing this review of this novella that started to get a little silly, and I looked over next to it and there was a box containing all the HTML to embed it in your post. I know very, very little HTML. Enough to get italics, bold, and when I was still posting, pictures and links. That’s as sophisticated as I ever got, and that was with cheating and cutting and pasting from the HTML menu Goodreads has next to its comments box. That’s the whole purpose of this, one long and three short paragraphs later.

To Sin with ScandalTo Sin with Scandal by Tamara Gill

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Good, quick read that’s the perfect length (no pun intended) when you’re distracting yourself from things you’re supposed to be doing but aren’t. I thought the writing was well-paced, I liked Miranda’s character–I can’t say I would have disagreed with her choices at the age she made them. Merrick makes his case logically later on, but he’s the only one who knows all the facts, therefore the only one who knows the truth of his side. But then, as they both see themselves as the injured party, as seems to happen often in these situations (and what makes the difference of opinions so interesting–they are often justified from each person’s perspective). I hope that isn’t a spolier. I like that mispelling. Is that the French version of a spoiler? It sounds like something more to do with mushrooms, actually. No mushrooms in the story. If they had started talking mycology, I think it would have been something more…steampunky.

I also thought Miranda’s experience in her marriage would not have been unusual for a woman in the early 1800’s (or at any time? Okay, now I’m being snarky)–providing the bread and butter for men in Merrick’s…um…career? Is that something one decides as a child? “Mummy, I want to be a rake when I grow up.””That’s nice, dear.” And mothers everywhere despaired of their sons growing up to become gardening implements. Calling them plows would have been a bit too obvious.

I will say that taking the break to read this has greatly improved my mood, so thank you, Ms. Gill. It was very nice to see a woman know what she wants and forge ahead. Full steam ahead. That can be taken any way one prefers.

View all my reviews

Okay, it works when you use “text” mode instead of “visual” mode. And the ad was for WordPress. That I don’t mind so much. They let me do all I do here now for free, which I greatly appreciate. And I’ve actually stuck with it, which surprises me. The regularity of posts has increased, possibly with the increase of feeling increasingly chatty lately. I think that means I’m less depressed than I was. Guessing.

At that, I think I’ll call it a night, but I feel obliged to supply some interesting things to look at now. I loved the clouds. Science is Beauty is a very cool site.

On Tumblr, the blog is much smoother.

Head of a Woman Artist: Max Buri Year: 1896

Head of a Woman
Artist: Max Buri
Year: 1896

Title: Sunil Gupta: The New Pre-Raphaelites 7 Artist: Sunil Gupta Year: 2008 Grosvenor Gallery

Title: Sunil Gupta: The New Pre-Raphaelites 7
Artist: Sunil Gupta
Year: 2008
Grosvenor Gallery


Life for Lief

As is usually the case when I haven’t posted in ages, sometimes I feel I should emerge just to let people know I’m not playing possum and I’m really still around. Just a lot of things going on. Also, I usually talk about something that has nothing to do with writing, but this one is very dear to my heart.

Lief is a child I first met when he was three when I was in a practicum. I worked with him in kindergarten and 1st grade. He is, to try to put it succinctly, an awesome, brightly shining little guy who is very caring, kind, and affectionate. He also has autism. He is in Stanford Children’s Hospital in Palo Alto right now with a serious heart condition. First he was refused treatment by some children’s hospitals because of his autism (how he’d be as a patient) and then, Stanford took him in (serious kudos to Stanford.) He went to Doernbecher in Portland for heart surgery and is now back in Stanford waiting for a heart transplant he almost didn’t get on the waiting list for because…he has autism.

I don’t even want to go into all that, despite my myriad of opinions on it. He needs positive energy. He’s a little 10 year old boy who has very bravely gone through what many adults wouldn’t deal with as well as he has.

There’s a page about what he’s gone/going through on Facebook, Life for Lief. Right now he’s having trouble taking his pills. If he doesn’t take his pills, this could be the end of everything he’s been through. So, if you have a second, just think, “Lief, take your pills.” It really is a matter of life or death for him. Maybe if he feels energy coming in (if you believe in that sort of thing) it will help him. How do you explain to a child with autism that he really has to take these pills? It sounds like right now it’s a combination of the fact that he’s feeling very nauseous and he doesn’t like the sensory feeling of the pills or the taste. I think he needs to be able to take them in pill form and not through the IV in order to be ready for a transplant–I’m not positive, I’m just guessing.

There are a few links I wanted to post–since I’ve worked with him last, he’s learned to type, or touch letters on a board printed out to look like a keyboard (more portable. He’s not the first person I’ve seen using this technique of communication). One is just sentimentality for me because we used to watch it over and over on his choice time (and I learned about Snow Patrol and found out I sort of liked them), and the other (If I can really actually manage to post these links) is a video by thebegoodtanyas–they know about Lief and his family, and apparently Lief is a big (huge?) fan of theirs. They are playing live in Eugene and are dedicating this song to him. One of the members wrote on his FB page in the section about taking his pills, and that makes the dedication all the more special. All of these are links to YouTube except for the one to About.com.

Train Video #2 — Snow Patrol (Run)


thebegoodtanyas–The Littlest Birds


And last, but not least, Lief, take your pills!

Lots of love and I’m thinking of you,